Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Monstaville Book I. Chapter 15: Mockingbird Heights


Mockingbird Heights

“And, so, being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy.”
- Edgar Allen Poe.

I don’t do cold weather. Yes, I’ve tried it thanks and it’s not for me. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the gloomy weather in Britain not to mention the drab industrial concrete, pollution, oppression and poverty (by which I mean that being poor in a cold, Capitalist country is less bearable than equal conditions in a sunny clime, that is, barring extreme poverty of course). We endure it each and every year of our lives. The light fades, energy diminishes, souls withdraw and the good vibrations of Summer are finally quelled along with the once-vibrant roses. The climate alone makes Northern European countries depressing. It’s snow joke! (Mark Twain once observed, “In India, ‘cold weather’ is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy”).

Tommy Solomon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt): Huh, it’s freezing out here! Can we go inside now?
Dick Solomon (John Lithgow): No, we’re here to experience everything on this planet. Even the uncomfortable parts.
Tommy: [Fidgeting, shuffling his ass on the roof] I have some very uncomfortable parts!
- 3rd Rock from the Sun (Season 1, Episode 12, ‘Frozen Dick,’ created by Bonnie and Terry Turner, written by Linwood Boomer).

The only consistent mood possible for many people living in cold countries is that of depression. Cold weather is contracting and tends to lower one’s energy vibration and increase negativity. Physically and socially we may find ourselves barely coping, never really sufficiently loosened up to open ourselves to life. This contributes for certain to our dutiful, disciplined approach to life, our conformity to the status quo and our meek acceptance of oppressive conditions, forever treading the hamster wheel of drudgery and limitation, perpetuating the cycle of working and complaining. We come out of our shells a little during the summer months (or weeks!) and before we know it the big bad wolf is back and blowing our house down again. It’s downright depressing. I can’t deal with it anyway. I need sunshine and lots of it. The world we create during the summer comes tumbling down in winter and we have to start from scratch again in the spring. Consequently, we never get very ‘high’ and, often, we are convinced that aiming high is such a futile pastime doomed to end in failure and even greater misery and despair that we do not allow ourselves the luxury of contemplating a better quality of life, envisioning a future of fulfilment. Indeed, in our post-feudal so-called democracy we often settle for compensation in terms of materialistic ambitions which basically means that we cling fearfully to the roots of wintry darkness beneath the soil with the trunk of wealth and power concentrated in the hands of the few weighing down on our heads. We have grown so accustomed to the conditions of lack and struggle that we do not even notice that there are no fruits growing on the tree, no love, no joy, no creative power or fulfilment.

“Yet still we love the summer because even the slightest rise in temperature causes our kidney and lower abdominal area to relax, and when that happens we stop being so afraid of life and each other. One of the main reasons people in the U.K. tend towards the repressed and reserved, compared to, say the southern Italians, it is because the cooler temperatures of the other three seasons cause our kidney regions to contract which, according to the Taoists, engenders an underlying sense of foreboding and existential fear. Which is exactly why we tend to let go during the summer months.” – barefoot Doctor (Dear Barefoot. Taoist Wisdom for Everyday Living, Atlantic Books, on behalf of Guardian Newspapers Ltd., London, U.K., p.321-322).

“In England we don’t say ‘I love you;’ instead we’ve built an entire culture around being repressed where expressing your feelings is extremely frowned upon and I think that’s why we drink so much.” – Supercilious.
Being in a negative environment means that we must work harder to feel positive, actively direct our intent and find some way to at least cope. Our inner strength is tested. We might fall down many times but, each time we get up again, no matter how slowly or awkwardly, we are developing more strength. It might not feel or seem as though this is the case at the time but we are deepening our roots, becoming acquainted with our unconscious in order that the tree of human potential can grow to greater conscious heights. You know, people’s will to live, to survive, to compete, to win, to control, to love even, is often so ego-based. Remove the conditional ego and one wonders what is worth living for. Life can indeed seem pointless.

“Any moment of great happiness will also be a great moment of sadness.” – Osho (

And so, I feel, this is what real despair accomplishes: it silences the ego and prompts us to dig deeper and tap into reserves of strength and wisdom within ourselves. This is the domain of the Underworld, Hades, where the ego is indeed dead transformed into a state of greater wholeness). It cannot breathe or function here. Separation simply does not exist. “As Jung says, it is as if the conscious mind volunteers to die in order to bear a new and fruitful life in the unconscious, despite the fears of the unknown and the fear that inevitably arises when a journey with a sense of trust and willingness to take a risk no matter what, and now, once again, he has to take a risk and dare to make that inner journey.” (The Complete Book of Tarot by Juliet Sharman-Burke, Pan Books, London, U.K., 1985, p.79).

"Tish and Gomez are not amused. They aren’t putting up with your bullshit today."

"In my case, I was not frightened in the least bit at the thought that I might live because I was certain, quite certain, that I was already dead." – Elizabeth Wurtzel (Prozac Nation. Young and Depressed in America: A Memoir, Riverhead Books, New York, U.S., 1995).

This is the place that Goths celebrate and not always so morbidly but often quite joyously. A love of death can be a more intense love of life! Sure, because it represents a passion and appreciation for deeper feelings. Those who believe that living wholly in their egos is living fully have yet to suffer sufficiently to see through the veil of illusion. Such a limited identity is doomed and, at the point of actual physical death, it will be too late to wake up from this dream. At least when one experiences a nightmare one wishes to wake up, desperately even! Therefore, perhaps we ought to embrace our suffering and realise that crisis and opportunity really do amount to the same thing. Naturally, however, there is a big difference between being comfortable with the darker emotions and yielding to the “sirens of self-pity that keep drawing you,” as Lazaris eloquently states. The latter suggests losing one’s integrity and spiralling out of control, being at the mercy of the forces of chaos. The former suggests a choice, a willingness to remain open, deep and sensitive, or to acknowledge, accept and even be thankful for these qualities, these gifts, regardless of what may surface from within or without. This is emotional maturity, an initiatory step towards owning all that appears in one’s life. One becomes a kind of ‘cauldron of transformation’: not suppressing these emotions and energies affords one many opportunities to transform and let go of the past. If darkness is part of our world, if sadness and sorrow have yet to be released fully, then goths, at least the ones I admire, are people who face and transform it creatively, whether compassionately or not. They are people of inner strength. They do not fear the unknown. Not being afraid of the dark, they can integrate it.

"People living deeply have no fear of death." - Anaïs Nin.

“Death sits in the seat next to me. We make a lovely couple.” - Charles Bukowski.

“If we are completely honest with ourselves,” says Italian actress Isabella Rossellini, “everyone has a dark side to their personalities.” Owning and embracing one’s darkness, loving and nurturing it, teaches us about ourselves and eventually transforms it into wisdom. This does not make one a negative person at all. It means one is quite balanced and not denying part of oneself. True wholeness is deep and dark; then there’s all the more water for the Sun to illumine as the fishes surface and return to the riverbed. Thus, the river of consciousness is rich with life. In fact, what I perceive is that goths tend to bring out the beauty in darkness – and often the humour too – by turning it into theatre. It is glamorised on the surface but deep down lies an intuitive, loving, playful spirit that has learned to cope with suffering and torment by turning the process into an art form. The person might even be innately sweet and yet enjoy channelling their dark side playfully, thereby exploring their power or their potential for beauty and wisdom in other areas of life and consciousness, enriching and perfecting their souls through such experience.

“I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.” - Friedrich Nietzsche.

Goths are people who love their dark side and that can translate into many individual expressions: all the colours of the rainbow, in fact! Inner light is birthed in the womb of the unconscious as we tap into it. Depth of feeling causes pain and conflict to surface which is a healing process even though we are conditioned to view it as something wholly negative in itself. In this way, we face ourselves and release what we have held onto for too many lifetimes.

"Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?...I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted." – Elizabeth Wurtzel (Prozac Nation. Young and Depressed in America: A Memoir, Riverhead Books, New York, U.S., 1995).

What I see is fourth dimensional consciousness which is right where I have made my home for most of my life since I am someone who has been making my way through this dimension, moving towards the end of the tunnel to the 5D Light at the end of it. It is here that the battles between good and evil are fought and denial will never serve to release our inner demons. A rich inner life, as well as artistic and cultural depth and substance, means that one is conscious on a deeper level of feeling and consciousness and therefore not a hollow 3D vessel into which others can throw garbage (such as consumer advertising, trashy zines and television programmes). It is a matter of refinement, degrees of quality regarding consciousness. As we also know, the next step, when the purging is complete, is fifth-dimensional Love, Light and Oneness.

"The darkness is also a kind of revelation of divinity." - Matthew Fox.

Our darkness is the source of our beauty and wisdom. It is what gives our realisation and expression of ourselves as Light meaning and depth, balance and continuity. It relates to the feminine aspect of God, the mysterious Light of the Goddess. We need to keep and integrate the darkness with the Light, take the refined qualities that have resulted from the transformation through suffering, the butterfly through the chrysalis, leave the toxicity behind and take the prize with us, the precious pearl created through inner conflict. We need to balance dark and light, not deny or repress the dark but take its beauty and wisdom with us, carry it forth into the Light. For, it is this experience from which the butterfly’s unique beauty is derived. We let go of the experience but we ascend in our full glory for the entire cosmos to enjoy and admire! Praise is plentiful in the Heavens I shouldn’t wonder. Love me, for I am utterly adorable! Love me as I, too, love and cherish you, for you, too, are infinitely loveable!

“Each aesthetic thought you have, or deed you do, increases your consciousness and brings your vibration of love closer to heaven. Indeed, each time you are environmentally wise, or reach positive agreements, or are kind to one another, you are blessing life and your own soul frequency, as well. This results in increased perception and higher consciousness for use in balancing your personality with its soul commitment as a galactic caregiver.” - Jeshua (‘The Christ,’ channelled through Virginia Essene, New Teachings For An Awakening Humanity, Spiritual Education Endeavours Publishing Company, CA., U.S., 1986, updated 1994, p.202).

Ancient peoples were more in touch with the fourth dimension, with what might be referred to as ‘Dreamtime’ or the ‘Other World.’ It is etheric in nature but those who enter or reside in that realm (such as the elementals and those humans who are between incarnations in the astral planes) are not fully conscious unless they come from a higher dimension of Light, of formless Reality and pure Being. Some tribal and shamanic traditions have been preserved to this day and, as Terence McKenna explains, it is this realm with which schizophrenics and people on drugs are familiar, albeit it often in a distorted form unless they have received the training and wisdom required to acclimatise to this dimension of expanded consciousness. By transcending the holographic illusion of the third dimension, we lift ourselves out of the ‘box’ and return to a state of wholeness which is both liberating and empowering (precisely what the powers that be seek to prevent us from experiencing). Whilst, in the fourth dimension we may experience various levels of ‘wholeness,’ we are still attached to form. We do not know ourselves as pure Light and love until we enter the fifth dimension, our inner Reality, our multidimensional core. Many of our revolutionaries only go as far as 4D to find solutions because that is ostensibly the next step. It is the series of layers that form a bridge to the worlds of Light. The mystics, however, centre themselves in the transcendental fifth dimension and, having moved deep within to their very core, pay much less attention to this inner realm of phenomena. Our exploration of altered states of consciousness through eroticism and imagination, drug and alcohol use, dancing and playing, and so on, is really a longing to return to God/Goddess. Many of our so-called ‘pastimes’ allow us to relax and open up to the realm in which the soul has never left.

“I never really hated the one true God but the God of the people I hated.” - Marilyn Manson (from the song ‘Disposable Teens,’ on the album Holy Wood (In the Shadow of the Valley of Death, 2000).

Goths, it might be said, are inside-out, in relation to other people, revealing their emotional and romantic and sexual selves to the world. They wear their darkest depths on the outside instead of whitewashing their shadow. It is not generally a statement just a degree of individual truth and intensity that feels natural to own and share with like minds in some way – without going into intimate detail in public obviously, but, nevertheless, acknowledging, expressing or celebrating that which is hidden from view in most people! What if our physical 3D personalities are the tip of the iceberg and our 4D consciousness is the remainder while the ocean beneath is our vast, multidimensional Self?

The ultimate purpose of incarnating in the holographic third dimension is to know the Self and combine the conscious awareness of the ego with the feelings and wholeness of the soul to realise the higher frequency of Light, eternal Being. Coming out of the 3D ‘box,’ ‘out of the ordinary,’ is like hatching from an egg. We exit the darkness and can see and experience more of life, as much as our personal and collective imaginations allow (which also form a shared realm of existence which may also be known as ‘reality’ until it is finally transcended). We might then be perceived as strange to those embryos who remain unconscious of their individual potential as birds but we have, really, become ‘extraordinary’ and gifted individuals. Yet, the chick, whilst it may be considered ‘whole,’ is not complete until it spreads its wings and learns to fly. The Light body can be compared to a set of wings that can carry us high up into the sky from where our perspective of life is closer to that of the Sun. It represents the beginning of our return journey to the Sun as we express and realise more and more of the Light, more and more of the love and creative power, that we are as the Creator. McKenna encapsulates our relationship to fourth-dimensional states of mind and feeling which are not dependent on the material plane brilliantly:

“We have no tradition of shamanism. We have no tradition of journeying into these mental worlds. We are terrified of madness. We fear it because the Western mind is a house of cards. And the people who built that house of cards know that and they are terrified of madness. Tim Leary once said, or I gave him credit for saying - he later told me he never said it; whoever said it, this was a brilliant statement - someone once said: ‘LSD is a psychedelic substance which occasionally causes psychotic behaviour in people who have not taken it.’ And, I would bet you that more people have exhibited psychotic behaviour from not taking LSD but just thinking about it than ever exhibited from taking it. Certainly, in my family, I watched my parents both go psychotic from the mere fact that LSD existed. They would never have taken it. There is a great phobia about the mind. The Western mind is very queasy when first principles are questioned. Rarer than corpses in this society are the untreated mad because we can’t come to terms with that. A shaman is someone who swims in the same ocean as a schizophrenic but the shaman has thousands and thousands of years of sanctioned technique and tradition to draw upon. In a traditional society, if you exhibit ‘schizophrenic tendencies,’ you are immediately drawn out of the pack and put under the care and tutelage of master shamans. You are told, ‘You are special. Your abilities are very central to the health of our society. You will cure. You will prophesy. You will guide our society in the most fundamental decisions.
Contrast this with a person exhibiting schizophrenic activity in our society who is told: ‘You don’t fit in. You are becoming a problem. You don’t pull your own weight. You are not equal worth to the rest of us. You are sick. You have to go to the hospital. You have to be locked up. You are on a par with the prisoners and lost dogs in our society. So that treatment of schizophrenia makes it incurable. Imagine if you were slightly odd and the solution were to take you and put you, lock you, into a place where everyone was seriously mad. That would drive anyone mad. If you’ve ever been in a mad house, you know that it’s an environment calculated to make you crazy and to keep you crazy. This would never happen in an aboriginal or traditional society...We have gone sick by following a path of untrammelled rationalism, make dominance, attention to the visible surface of things, practicality, bottom-line-ism. We have gone very sick. And the body politic, like any body, when it feels itself to be sick it begins to produce antibodies, or strategies for overcoming the condition of dis-ease. And, the twentieth century is an enormous effort at self-healing: phenomena as diverse as surrealism, body-piercing, psychedelic drug use, sexual permissiveness, jazz, experimental dance, rave culture, tattooing, the list is endless. What do all these things have in common? They represent various styles of rejection of linear values.
This society is trying to cure itself by an archaic revival, by a reversion to archaic values. So, when I see people manifesting sexual ambiguity or scarifying themselves, or showing a lot of flesh, or dancing to syncopated music, or getting loaded, or violating ordinary canons of sexual behaviour, I applaud all of this because it’s an impulse to return to what is felt by the body, what is authentic, what is archaic. And, when you tease apart these archaic impulses, at the very centre of all these impulses is the desire to return to a world of magical empowerment of feeling. And, at the centre of that impulse is the shaman, stoned, intoxicated as planet, speaking with the spirit helpers, dancing in the moonlight and visifying and evoking a world of conscious living mystery. That’s what the world is. The world is not an unsolved problem for scientists or sociologists. The world is a living mystery. Our birth, our death, our being in the moment, these are mysteries. They are doorways opening on to unimaginable vistas of self-exploration, empowerment, and hope for the human enterprise. And, our culture has killed that, taken it away from us, made us consumers...we have to get away from that...
There is nothing as powerful, as capable of transforming itself and the planet as the human imagination. Let’s not sell it straight. Let’s not whore ourselves to nit wit ideologies. Let’s not give our control over to the least among us. Rather, you know, claim your place in the Sun and go forward into the Light. The tools are there. The path is known. You simply have to turn your back on a culture that has gone sterile and dead and get with the programme of a living world and a re-empowerment of the imagination.”
(Excerpt from Terence McKenna’s lecture, ‘Eros and Eschaton,’ in Seattle, 1994).

For Goths, feeling takes priority and I have always admired that (I have known many to have been water signs, and usually they have also been vegetarians and vegans like myself) because it is this domain that I am spending a lifetime working on myself. Their defiant otherworldliness is founded on deep passions and romantic imaginations. Romanticism is realism in that it recognises passion and inspiration, energy, emotion, truth, inner reality and nature. Gothic language and costume enhances feeling. They are conducive to feelings that flow as one current, as a whole. Where the darker emotions (and dark secrets) are allowed a natural flow of expression, they may be accompanied by other, lighter feelings, intuitive insights and visions. Where they are shared, and even explored, a deeper, loving union may be experienced. Where there is sensitivity, there is often tremendous compassion both for self and others. Where there is intensity, there is often a great reservoir of creative power. Where there is fantasy, consciousness is fluid and can shift negative, stagnant emotions. Where there is appreciation, love may also emerge. Where sorrow is cherished so may feelings of love release them. 

Yes, sorrow is sometimes sexy! Malice is not but I have never found there to be more malicious goths than any other group of people. Quite the opposite. They often adhere to Wiccan beliefs which, in our degenerate society, I perceive as a good thing: at least they have an affinity with a wisdom tradition. Feelings are for trusting and, since we are having such difficulty trusting our feelings in the West, I consider many goths to be ‘ahead of the game,’ old souls who need a deeper way of being and living than popular culture and society in general offers.  We are deeper than any role or costume, of course, and it's what's in the heart that matters. Yet, I kind of like the idea of being a kind of double agent too: revealing the wisdom and beauty in darkness, which is deeply feminine and continually fascinates me, both to those who shun the darker shades of truth and refuse to face their own inner depths, and to those who are lost in the chaos of darkness because they have not found the torch of the spirit – and of love - to light the way.

"The only way you can successfully cross the troubled waters is to keep your focus on the distant shore. For a new energy to form the old energy has to die and as it dies there will be chaos in your life. But when the chaos subsides and you come out of the fire, you will be one with your God. The caterpillar has shed its past and the beautiful butterfly is born." - Gary Bate (Becoming A Christ, Bluelight Publishing, 2003).

I have always admired the inner beauty and power, passion and stillness, I detect in many Goths. A fascination for the beauty and mystery of death calls attention to the slow process of transformation that we are all really undergoing. Most of us have been in a chrysalis state for a long series of lifetimes, incarnating with the intention of dying to the ego but then, when we’ve arrived here, forgetting and abandoning the true purpose for which we came. The beauty is there in the petals whether they unfold or not. Knowing the Sun can open the flower but so, too, can knowing the beauty within, even in darkness, carry us inwards to our very essence, to our mysterious, unfathomable, infinite core which is our inner Sun. It is the way of the Goddess. “Beauty comes with dark thoughts,” wrote Anaïs Nin. The inner world of the soul inspires deeper feelings and reflects the beauty and passion of the spirit. Ultimately, eternal Being and universal consciousness are one infinite whole and we are both uniquely individual expressions of our Creator and part of the cosmic Mother.

“If you can accept sadness, it is no more sadness. You have brought a new quality to it. You will grow through it. Now it will not be a stone, a rock on the path blocking the way; it will become a step. And remember always: a person who has not known deep sadness is a poor person. He will never have an inner richness. A person who has lived always happy, smiling, shallow, has not entered into the innermost temple of his being. He has missed the innermost shrine.” – Osho (

Although I am not someone who relishes blood and gore, depth of feeling has always been my home. My passion and intensity are matched by a squeamish oversensitivity. I do, however, adore The Munsters and The Addams Family whose characters actually welcome and thrive on the horrible aspects of life. I find it uplifting to entertain the possibility that the nightmare of human life is in some way worthwhile, beautiful and enjoyable, something to be grateful for even. A great adventure; a mighty joke. Laurel and Hardy inspire me in a similar fashion: everything goes wrong but it is always hilarious (the relationship between my ego and Inner Child over the past decade is reminiscent of such comedy duos, also including Morecombe and Wise and Steptoe and Son: the responsible but often dull or incompetent adult and the playful but often demanding or unworldly ‘child’).

“Goth used to be a subclassification of punk. In the early to mid 80s, it emerged as a subculture in its own right, complete with its own graphic art, literature, music and fashion. There is so much diversity within the gothic world that its members strongly resist attempts at definition and labelling. Yet there are stereotypes that linger...Goth unashamedly celebrates the dark recesses of the human psyche. Put the back of your hand on your forehead, and you're there: dark sensuality, sweeping sadness, morbid fascination, forbidden love, the beauty of enduring pain, you get the picture...Many people lead unhappy, unachieved lives. And that's sad. Goth makes depression and angst a lifestyle choice, and that's art...You simply can't maintain a room full of despairing people dressed in black for very long without someone starting a chain of laughter. Once you realise you've gone over the top, there's nothing left to do but laugh. It's a self-deflating culture that delights in self-parody and in ridiculing itself. To put it plainly: it's fun.” (Excerpts from ‘A Goth Primer,’

Death, as a style, announces the death of the ego, in my view. Yes, sometimes the limited light of the ego is replaced with utter darkness but, more often than not, one finds that a greater flame glows within these deep, sensitive souls. The destruction of form is neutral, like all archetypes and symbols, and depends upon how one perceives or expresses it. As an end in itself destruction is a bloody nightmare which, for me, is a crude, less meaningful penetration to emotional intensity beyond form, such as the brutal lust of a vampire. The whole fascination with taking blood or psychic energy from others and related themes is based, it appears, on a need to feel powerful; as is demonic possession. It is rooted in insecurity. From a more philosophical viewpoint, each individual is their own greatest source of power. So, the transformation from lower to higher energy through letting go of form and feeling more at home in the dark depths of consciousness, where much is unknown, potentially carries us from physical to spiritual reality. It is in those hidden depths that the Light of the spirit is discovered. Vampires are also metaphors for the power of the unconscious and the power of lust to possess us, strip us of our identities and turn us into wretched and diabolical creatures of the night. We are released from ourselves but we become subhuman rather than superhuman although the experience is all part of the evolutionary process as we strive to transcend the ego self.

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” ‑ Friedrich Nietzsche.

“That which you mistake for madness is but an overacuteness of the senses.” – Edgar Allan Poe (The Tell-Tale Heart, 1843).

Have you never pondered the fascinating contradiction of a smiling, even exuberantly cheerful and gregarious, Goth? The outer darkness conceals an inner light, a deeper power and beauty, strength and peace, than belongs to the physical world. And, indeed, one so departed from mainstream society might be considered ‘deceased’ for one can hardly get on in a post-patriarchal, capitalist society without a strong ego. Alas, society continues to push people of all shapes and sizes into its square compartments. All form is symbolism. All experience is symbolic of states of consciousness which as, in turn, potentials of Being. The outer garments reflect something within and bring realisation to potentiality. All symbolism appears to be neutral. It is energised by the intent behind it (and those who are unconscious may fall victim to it just as they may also be healed, inspired or uplifted by it, elevated to a higher state of awareness). Our society tends to label and judge people according to how they appear and what they do. This expresses a need to define people in terms of group identity according to what the group perceives as good and desirable, to favour some and stigmatise others. It establishes the norm, enabling shallow-minded people to feel more secure and deny their responsibility to become conscious as individuals. We never have enough information to enable us to fully understand the truth of the reality around us. And there is never only one correct perspective about anything. Knowing this helps me let go of my tendency to label things as good or bad. I suffer least when I can accept reality just as it is. And I benefit most when I open my heart and mind in appreciation. I have to confess, however, to having opened thus through the experience of always feeling different from everyone I have met throughout my life. “Too weird to live; too rare to die”: that’s what chiefly makes me so broadminded! [1].

“Behind all the symbols of phenomena of life in the human world, beneath every movement of the play, there is only Love. The very stage upon which life is lived in this illusion is Love itself, and your heart can perceive this in each and every moment.” - From The Messages from God (channelled through Yael and Doug Powell, 13 June 2011,

The original spirit of Punk expresses a desire for individual freedom, for independence from the oppression of the system (or ‘Shitstem’ as John Lydon is fond of calling it). Anarchy itself is misconstrued by the masses to represent the chaotic freedom which they fear so much as they huddle together for safety’s sake. However, there is no freedom without discipline on the part of the individual. Anarchy is responsible freedom and therefore rejects the System and the control that the authorities wield over humanity (by employing fear and material rewards). Remove the object of rebellion and restore creative power and spiritual awareness and a world of Light will emerge. With awareness comes a natural aspiration to raise one’s frequency and become all that one can be. The fact that some people desire freedom from oppression but have yet to comprehend that violent rebellion only serves to feed their oppressors with more negative energy does not detract from this essential truth. I like the skull and crossbones motif personally and, whenever I have worn it on my clothing, I have found that most people either have no understanding of my intention for doing so or they believe it to be a symbol of evil. Systems are destroyed through information and ideas, which are also the Light which creates true civilisation. For me, the skull and crossbones motif is a symbol of defiance and independence without the sinister marauding that is often associated with it. I’m no loveable rogue like Jack Sparrow! (and I’m not a member of the Nazi ‘Skull and Bones’ secret society that George W. Bush belongs to!). I might be a bit of a self-styled outlaw on the quiet though. When freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will be free,” to quote Tom Robbins.

I do believe that symbolism is neutral, as I suggested earlier. Just because the Illuminati have bombarded us with symbols that mean something specific to them in terms of controlling humanity why assume that I read the same meaning into a particular symbol as you? These symbols influence the consciousness of the masses subliminally. They carry a meaning that the elite may want us to see, whether unconsciously or semi-consciously. Yet, with increased awareness and through knowing ourselves more deeply, we can rise above this impressionable state. Hence, this is discouraged in all fields of human experience! Your culture, be it foreign or a superficial resonance with popular culture in the West, may only allow you to perceive that a symbol or set of symbols is ‘good’ and everything else is ‘bad.’ That is the perception of the limited ego which is dependent on someone else’s will, purpose or identity, living to feed their power.

Our rulers now employ such sophisticated tools of persuasion that we now believe that we are free when we are not. We conform, through fear, insecurity and ignorance, to what they want for us and what they want us to do. We are like children. This state of extreme duality, even though few are alert to this collective crisis, should be buried along with the Dark Ages. And, indeed, the butterfly is emerging from its cocoon and our universal family, the galactic community of butterflies, is cheering us on. The birth process is painful and yet the time for celebration is oh so near! The silent revolution is well underway and the journey is almost complete. Just one more push…we can do it!

“Happiness is always shallow; sadness, always deep. Happiness is like a wave, sadness is like the innermost depth of an ocean. In sadness you remain with yourself, left alone. In happiness you start moving with people, you start sharing. In sadness you close your eyes; you delve deep within yourself. Sadness has a song - a very deep phenomenon is sadness. Accept it. Enjoy it. Taste it without any rejection, and you will see that it brings many gifts to you which no happiness can ever bring.” – Osho (

The ‘gothic person’ for whom feeling, passion, imagination and consciousness are most important is, to my mind, a deeply feminine individual or, at least, honours or focuses on that part of themselves. The Dark Goddess, symbolised by Lilith in the Bible, but also many other goddesses of wisdom, death and transformation in ancient cultures, has been living in exile for thousands of years, but these layers of magic and mystery are returning to human consciousness. She is the Destroyer of limitations, of blockages, ignorance and all that holds us back. She is the Destroyer of ego separation. It is in the unknown depths of our own consciousness that the jewels of beauty and wisdom reside just as the pearlescent stars shimmer in the night sky. Plumbing these depths enables us to bring out the beauty and wealth of our inner being through deep, compelling feelings. We find perfection in imperfection. We draw out the essence as water from a well dug deep in the ground. The Dark Goddess represents the power of consciousness, of feeling, of Oneness.

“Life consists of sadness too. And sadness is also beautiful; it has its own depth, its own delicacy, its own deliciousness, its own taste. A man is poorer if he has not known sadness; he is impoverished, very much impoverished. His laughter will be shallow, his laughter will not have depth, because depth comes only through sadness. A man who knows sadness, if he laughs, his laughter will have depth. His laughter will have something of his sadness too, his laughter will be more colourful.” – Osho (

Amidst a barrage of inane comments on Goth culture, A.A. Gill observes that, “Goths are acolytes of suicide, grisly death, mascara and children’s fairy stories.” He asks, “Why they should have outlasted all the other more vigorous and attractive movements of the last thirty years is a proper mystery…being a Goth is a cul-de-sac. A dead end for the un-dead.” (The Angry Island, 2005, Weidenfeld & Nicolson, London, U.K., p.99). Well, sensitive individuals are enduring the modern world despite its being run by “insane people for insane objectives,” to quote John Lennon (“I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends,” he added, “and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it”). On the one hand, they feel that this is such a hopeless situation that they can’t do anything about it and have little choice but to feel the despair, face the pain and surrender, at least to these inner states, whilst remaining diametrically opposed to the hideous farce that form has become all around them in the external world. On the other hand, facing one’s darkness and delving into the very essence of one’s consciousness in a continuous process of self-transformation is strikingly mature in contrast to a corrupt patriarchal System and the shallow conformity it merrily breeds. The caterpillars fail to see this. They just scoff at the bats in the belfry barricading their bottoms from the bastions of cringing buggery, or ‘civilisaton.’ They condemn the chrysalis phase, the black vinyl body bag hanging silently from a brittle brain as it is bombarded by bullets of brute banality, while many Indigos, with their intensity and depth of feeling, dive head-on into it, more passionately alive than those who believe they are really ‘living.’ As for outlasting other youth movements, people with depth cannot be any other way. Finding a way to express themselves is more a matter of life and death than more transient concerns such as fashion or angst. An affinity with a certain type of appearance and culture can be a lifeline for people who otherwise appear ‘dead to the world.’ Goth culture, or consciousness, also accommodates the broadest range of people so there are always those who feel most at home here, just as the colour black provides an ideal background for photographs of all kinds and all colours.

“Goth is not as dark as people think,” explains my Goth friend Angelica. “I am a wiccan born of a wiccan mother…Ignorants called them witches but they laughed. Some ignorants think I am a witch and that makes me laugh as well...poor minds.” Many people still tend to make assumptions about others based on appearance or shallow information and then judge them. Those who cling fearfully to concrete forms in the realm of outer appearances often close their minds to the richness of the heart and soul within. The result is a cheap culture of bland mediocrity and materialism. For, feeling is the very foundation of true being. It is the substance of wholeness and the path to peace as well as the abundance that the universe has to share with each of its children. Pro-lifers tend to be shallow. If you are, or have been, pro-death, chances are you have a special beauty and depth that is very precious and may end up transforming your impurities. It may not be precious in itself but in its power to destroy that which is not real - that is, the false ego identity - and to perfect the pearl of wisdom that you may or may not have discovered as yet. Perhaps, when it is completed, the oyster shell will loosen and you will have more conscious access to it. By having something substantial to transform, your Light may yet prove to be as bright as your dream of darkness your chrysalis state - appeared to lack Light. Indeed, it is the very source of Light (or certainly its offspring).

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.” - Edgar Allan Poe.

The Dark Goddess is the death of those states of consciousness which we are evolving beyond and need to let go of as we continually evolve. We rise from an unconscious (feminine) base to centre ourselves in a conscious (masculine) hub. And, from there, we expand and grow in increasing self-illumination as we discover and acquaint ourselves with further layers of the mysterious depths beyond our current level of awareness. We are continually unfolding. We may cast a few seeds into the wind and start from scratch in another part of the universe as we explore and develop another part of our consciousness (which is also part of the whole) but that is essentially what we’re doing. We are evolving and contributing to the awareness of the multiverse, the whole, the Goddess.
“We spend our whole lives working back to the state of self-acceptance we were naturally born with. For years the questions multiply, and into the secret caverns and dark cellars of the psyche we shove as much doubt, shame, guilt and fear as we can. These failings remain alive, however deep we hide them. All the inner conflicts that we find so hard to reconcile lead back to a shadow self...
                In a wizard’s eyes we are all jail keepers of our shadow selves. The unconscious mind is the prison where unwanted energies are locked up, not because they have to be but because we have been so imprinted by years of yes and no, good and bad. Having pondered Merlin’s words about being a jail keeper, Arthur went to him and said, ‘I don’t want to be this way. How can I change?’
                ‘Nothing easier,’ replied Merlin. ‘Simply see that you are playing both roles, jailer and jailed. If you are both sides of the coin, then neither must be you, for they cancel each other out. Recognise this and be free.’
                ‘I don’t know how,’ Arthur protested. ‘How can I find this shadow self you speak of?’
                ‘Just listen. Like all prisoners, he is tapping messages on the wall of his cell.’
                The shadow self is just another role or identity we carry around, but it isn’t one we show in public. Most of the time the shadow self is too embarrassed or fearful to be presented to the light of day. But there is no doubt that it exists, for each of us has energies we haven’t been able to discharge. For a newborn baby the problem of holding on to ‘bad’ or unhealthy feelings doesn’t exist. The instant you throw something negative into a baby’s environment, it will cry or turn away.
                This is an extremely healthy reaction, because by expressing itself so freely, a baby can discharge energies that would otherwise cling to it. As we grew up, however, we learned that it isn’t always appropriate to indulge in spontaneous expression. In the name of politeness and tact, or knowing our place, or doing what our parents said, each of us learned to hold on to negative energies.”
                - Deepak Chopra (The Way of the Wizard. 20 Spiritual Lessons For Creating The Life You Want, Rider, London, U.K., 1995, p.74-75).

For society to be truly diverse, it needs to stop forcing people to conform to a one-sided and often egocentric view of the world. Capitalism itself is now dying and the economic crisis is indeed an opportunity to embrace the ‘other world’ - yes that ‘whorified’ part of ourselves which is consciousness itself, light and dark. From this ‘death’ of the old world will rise the phoenix of human creativity and spiritual power and a greater balance will be achieved. It will enable - is enabling - people to be truly themselves and to create a new world which reflects such integrity, authenticity and dignity. This might be considered the rebirth of inspiration. Convention simply isn’t going to cut it any longer since it is always the progeny of a particular system and all systems in our world are now due to be pruned and reorganised, or reconstructed even. Modern societies are arguably more comfortable with foreign cultures and religions than their own cultural depths and extremes. The reason for this is clearly that money is God while the human soul is deemed to have little value. We have become slaves. It’s that simple.


By Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood’s hour I have not been,
As others were - I have not seen,
As others saw - I could not bring,
My passions from a common spring,
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow - I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone,
And all I lov’d, I lov’d alone -
Then, in my childhood…in the dawn
Of a most stormy life - was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still -
From the torrent, or the fountain -
From the red cliff of the mountain -
From the sun that ‘round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold -
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by -
From the thunder, and the storm -
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

Gothic style could be described as a release from the traditional limitations of linear conventionality, the prison cell of the 3D identity prescribed for each of us through social engineering. Dare to be different. For some people, however, it is a matter of life and death. The black attire of gothic style reveals that the unconscious is on the surface and that the individual is, indeed, ‘inside out.’ Or upside down, like the Hanged Man. The outer ego is being sacrificed so that something of much greater value can be gained, namely the higher self. This is but one platform for inner growth and transformation to proceed. It is, of course, practical to retain or contrive some vestige of worldly normalcy in order to make a living unless one inherits a fortune or is able to achieve financial independence. Capitalism, like all systems in a low-dimensional collective existence, is rigidly homogeneous and those who get by without sacrificing their inner lives completely often do so by dividing themselves into contrasting worldly and personal, social personas. Many, of course, ‘grow out of it,’ say goodbye to their dreams and conform. It is the reflective life of the soul that is at stake here and patriarchal society and its offspring have long declared war on the soul. It is the unspoken ‘fatwah’ no doubt uttered in secret by the banking elite (and those above and below it) which just loves individualistic egos it can easily manipulate and through whom it retains control of modern society.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night.” - Edgar Allan Poe.

Well, not really the right time to be analysing either of these subjects as I shed the chrysalis and stretch my wings. There is a certain vagueness to this retrospective view of my darker moments - or ‘periods’ (ho ho) - which did indeed bring out a gothic style and persona from within me, like a shadow I was happy to wear, a cloak, comforting and charming in its own way. Cool to explore another part of myself off and on basically, when more submerged in my unconscious; although more Herman Munster than Dracula! I still appreciate the aesthetic very much, and its richness of meaning. Once experienced as despair, the darkness of the soil which the blossoming flower of the heart knows well and in which its roots remain firmly and permanently planted, now represents strength and wisdom. The lows of the mind which kept the light from shining in our hearts fade from memory as the darkest depths to which we pay ‘no mind.’ Now, as the heart opens, we feel and know the love which is our true essence. The dragonfly emerges from the dark womb of its transformation into new life, into pure awareness, with its wings of multidimensionality. The cocoon, the mould, itself is no longer needed. All that strength and wisdom it derived from the ‘war within’ is now integrated into its very being, its beauty and finesse, its power and freedom to fly. Now, we see the darkness for what it is. Now, we can appreciate its depth and its mysteries and perhaps perceive it as a state of hypnosis through which we awaken to superconsciousness, to the Reality waiting for us at the other end of the tunnel. It is not only the darkness that has helped to transform us in one lifetime, or even many lifetimes. It is the very womb from which all life emerges. It is deep space with its sequined splendour as each star strives to shine its Light of knowing farther and farther to illumine the depths of consciousness. It is the fathomless womb of the Goddess Herself, the endless possibilities that we have yet to experience, the continuing process of evolution as we explore our inner potential in the infinite multiverse.

If not God, Love.
If not Love, Beauty.
If not Beauty, Hope.
If not Hope, Death.
                                                                                                - Unknown.

“Never misunderstand seriousness for sincerity. Sincerity is very playful, never serious. It is true, authentic, but never serious. Sincerity does not have a long face, it is bubbling with joy, radiating with an inner joyousness.” – Osho.


1. Hunter S. Thompson quote from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 1971: "He was one of God's own prototypes: a high-powered mutant never even considered for mass-production. Too weird to live, too rare to die."

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