Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Monstaville Book III. Introduction

The Heart of the Monster

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
-          Shakespeare (Hamlet, Act Three, Scene One).

Space 1999 (British 70s sci-fi series)

To endure suffering (and try to relax in circumstances that prevent this) or fight to relieve and hopefully quell it, that is the question. Supposedly, the divine paradox is that external stillness (the first option) preserves and deepens our spirit, or enables us to be and remain centred in feeling and knowing our true Self, whereas retaliation or any other action which focuses on the external miscreant as the source of one=s troubles is doomed to keep us bound to the world of illusion. Investing our energy and attention in outer forms distracts us and ties us to the dream of worldly life. We remain asleep, unconscious, as good as dead. Learning to rely more on inner peace and strength, on the other hand, can root us in the chalice of the heart which may then overflow with love and creative power. These themselves may also bring a degree happiness that is impenetrable and makes us immune to the >slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.= How should the noble of mind proceed?

Talk about grabbing the bull by the horns! The enormity of the subject I have been tackling in this project means that I now have three books! My book about monsters has turned into a monster – a trilogy of a monster! I told St. Germain during the Summer Solstice ‘Wholeness’ event, ‘I’ve created a monster, haven’t I?’ I asked what I should do. ‘Kill it?’ I said. He replied, “No! Don’t kill it. Love it.” One day the conclusion is love, the next it is not because this has little or no effect on monsters (or so it appears)! We have created monstrous experiences for ourselves by living unconsciously for too long, projecting darkness instead of light onto the canvas of life. It is now time to create consciously, to manifest lives of joy and abundance. I realise that it is probably I who am the real monster on some level (or I have ‘bad breath’ in the form of repressed emotions from previous incarnations to clear). When I believe that I have given love a chance, really, I have missed something. I have shared it sporadically, sent it to people only in meditation even though it is always with me underlying every experience somewhere within me that I feel and know, colouring all that I do. I have not embodied it in each moment and allowed the momentum of my own beingness to build up to a sufficient degree of potency whereby it can transform my world and my consciousness and perhaps then encourage my life to respond to my conscious intentions. I have not increased my vibration sufficiently to tap into the abundance of life. At least I am working on this more consistently now. We shall see where it leads.

In his book, Becoming a Christ, which I recommend to anyone looking for a decent introduction to truth and consciousness, Gary Bate writes, “It is the destiny of humanity to live as super-conscious, loving beings. It is the only way we can ever achieve true freedom and peace on earth. I am hoping that my book will help inspire people to start the process of personal transformation. It is an alchemist process that transmutes the lead of human frailty into the gold of spiritual truth. Eventually and by our own choice we can all become super-conscious beings.” – Gary Bate (Becoming a Christ. A Layman’s Journey of Self-discovery, Blue Light Publishing, Dyfed, U.K., 2003, p.115,

This whole project is like a spiral towards the central place where love and power are one. One day I'm on a love theme and the next it is clear that power is needed. Sometimes I manage to combine the two but what's missing is the power of Love! As I mentioned in the Conclusion to Monstaville book two, I have experienced this radiant energy only once, for one day, and St. Germain informed me it was nothing. I told him it was pretty overwhelming and he just said, no, it's just a tiny fraction of what's possible. To be honest, I am not even sure if I would have returned to give Love another chance without St. Germain’s inspiration and guidance. The great alchemist who knows that Love is the greatest transforming power helped me to be reborn into Love. For, I confess, I wrote the Conclusion to book two after rejecting the theme of the original Conclusion which is included in book one. The reactionary second part of the Introduction in book two lit the fuse and then the cannon went off signalling that rebellion was underway. I now know that I was on the right track but had much baggage to let go of (with which I needed special assistance) to create more space for love to flow more freely through myself. I also needed to understand Love’s place in the greater scheme of things.

"Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realise that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge." - Eckhart Tolle.

White Star from the Babalon 5 sci-fi series

The Conclusion to book three, as you will see, represents a higher, or clearer, perspective of love itself in relation to my ordeals living here. Self-love means not allowing others to drag us down and make us miserable and it also means taking measures to increase our vibration so we feel happier inside ourselves thus boosting our psychological immunity to anything that life throws at us. As for loving one’s enemies and demonstrating unconditional love, well, perhaps I fall short of the mark and perhaps I don’t. Perhaps I have made a start at least! I mean, I forgive them and have not allowed myself to be eaten up by anger or hate. I am still the sensitive, loving person I always was. What has changed since living here, however, is that I have learned that only displays of power rather than love seem to have any effect on certain people. These, however, must be applied through intelligent choices in delicate conditions such as neighbour conflict. I would add to Goethe’s words, “Enjoy when you can and endure when you must,” the following: “Love as much as you can and defend yourself when you must.” I have endured much and it is really love of self and others that preserves my integrity and prevents me from turning into a monster myself. Even though it feels as though my light has all but been extinguished at times, I have always been a Sun waiting to return to my former glory and could never become a black hole.

What does love mean to me now? Love never has and never will be a question of moral obligation. That principle I rejected permanently many years ago. Love, divine love, for me, is about joy just as oneness is about bliss. It is an expression of the joy of Being. In fact, however crazy this might sound, I would go as far as to say that, for me, Love is my greatest lover. It is a matter of being in love with Love because it makes me feel good as well as more whole. As the heart opens more, it lets in more Light from one’s true Self, and knowing one’s Self, knowing God, even through a small window of feeling, is an experience of that eternal joy that has, in Reality, remained as constant as ever! As St. Germain himself says, once you have tasted the sweetness of that Reality, that Oneness which is Eternal Being, then you do not want to lose it ever again.

AFollow the shining ones, the wise, the awakened, for they know how to work and forbear.@ - Buddha.

The Monstaville project has grown so big now that I sometimes refer to it as The Big Book of Pain (even though I have subsequently divided it into three books) partly because I don’t have any answers to anything really. I got the impression that St. Germain was suggesting it is arrogant rather than humble of me to not be going out teaching people. Teaching what, I don’t know, even though I have studied much and possess a degree of spiritual wisdom (in fact, I would have established a spiritual centre and offered something in the way of teaching long ago had I had the money but then, I assume, life would not be weighing down on my shoulders like this either). To be honest, I would not wish to inflict myself on people. My view of life is very cynical. My sense of optimism has been sorely challenged. It was stopped in its tracks and ventured no further along the path that leads to faith. I am barely surviving financially and I do not believe it is possible for either myself or the majority of people to magically lift ourselves out of the sewer of poverty, lack and all the problems that spring up like weeds in these conditions. I blame the miserable weather in Northern Europe for the negativity here and I see that I and many others have a completely different outlook on life during the sunny weather. I now understand that there is a gobbling global Elite that has been controlling governments, withholding free sources of energy, suppressing technology and working against our best interests in every realm of life all along. I also do not believe that ‘we’ can be impervious to external circumstances although clearly the Masters of Light can achieve all these things because they have woken up and reclaimed their power somehow. There is always hope, however!

I eventually learned that there is an actual name for those ghastly experiences I have had for the past five years each time I have incurred bank charges or been threatened with homelessness in other ways (such as subtle to not-so-subtle manipulation and threats from the landlord). Then there are the other layers of anxiety that affect the physical body for weeks or months; for instance, after an anxiety attack, it takes a week or, if the issues linger and are not fully resolved at the time, a few weeks even, to wear off. At times, I have had to try and fend off both anxiety and depression, the latter being brought on specifically by bullying from the dole office. It is easier to prevent from taking grip but once it does it is harder to overcome and I just have to wait until it becomes possible (even with help). It is not so much my own survival that I am concerned about. If I did not have so much work to do there would just be me and perhaps my guitar like the old days and I could drift around not caring too much, just living for my freedom. At least, back then, my troubles were mostly with myself rather than the outside world so much. But work is a responsibility and requires a level of security, not just space and freedom. You know, I am following my own warrior path, working on my books with no money, barely surviving, putting up with shitty neighbours in a town that has rapidly turned into a love-vibrational ghetto (that is, populated with people from countries where expectations and self-respect are low). I have also had to deal with a couple of people close to me whose conservative views oppose my life path head-on (including times when I have suffered anxiety attacks!). If people don't get it that's their problem but I don't need anyone adding to the misery of it when I'm constantly trying to lift my spirits up and stay on top of things.

Kylie Minogue with a Dalek from Dr. Who

Buddha said that life is suffering and I do now see the third dimension as a kind of sewer which we are each struggling to climb out of. And I see it as a controlled enterprise which includes various levels of initiation so that only the pure in heart can free themselves. Naturally, in essence, this describes each of us. It is a matter of healing ourselves, letting go of all that is weighing us down and rediscovering our self-love, remembering who we are beyond the sewer, shining our Light in joy forever. A kinder analogy is that of seeds buried in the soil of suffering until they grow into seedlings and can be transplanted from the seed trays into the flower bed out in the garden of the fifth dimension and real, direct sunlight. For me, it is all about reclaiming our power by demonstrating strength, responsibility, respect, humility, compassion, generosity, forgiveness and all of the other qualities associated with the true, authentic self. When we choose to express who we really are and act accordingly those beings whom have realised their true nature as Light and Love recognise us and are able to reach out and support us. They won’t do everything for us but they will provide some assistance to help us along, helping us to help ourselves on our own unique path. I also believe that we do not, deep down (as our real selves beyond this dream) wish to cause any harm to others. We therefore shun the responsibility of full power. We will not allow ourselves to express more even though it is part of our divine nature because of the pain and heartache we might cause to others and to ourselves (for we are all One). But perhaps this is a habit we should now break, a self-imposed restriction which we should now cast off. We have forgotten what we are capable of and wouldn’t even know where to begin if we decided to try and retrain ourselves. Yet, practice we must until we have unshackled ourselves and stepped into the New World. Release starts with truth. It is a revolution in which we are participating, a road to liberation from slower vibrations. Yeah, heavy vibes man!

"To discover the heart is the greatest initiation." - Hazrat Inayat Khan.

Earth is a challenging school that can be both scary and dull! At least, it is until we graduate and most of us are now taking our exams and applying the wisdom we have accumulated over a period of several lifetimes. I also understand that we have learned more than enough to have earned our place in the postgraduate, post-karmic world. We are, however, held back by negative conditioning, beliefs, habits and thought processes which we have picked up as a result of life’s trials both in this life and previous lives (recent experiences being the tip of an iceberg which represents lifetimes of fear and denial in certain areas). So, what is required of us is to release all of this so we can let nature take its course and allow our bodies to become aligned to the fifth dimension. Ascension is therefore a matter of choice at this time when higher frequencies are returning to Earth. They could be said to represent a kind of amnesty whereby it is possible to release our karma and clear our debts by accepting help from the Light beings who have arrived to help us through this time and welcome us at the end of the tunnel back into the Light. We make such a choice based upon self-love by responding to the Light and allowing ourselves to receive more of life’s blessings. From that foundation, we open ourselves to receive more and invite it through our vibration as well as the new attitude and activity that result from more positive and meaningful intentions.

Well, this is the theory! I was telling someone that my life has gone through several changes and yet nothing has ever really improved. I am still in the same boat basically, still groping for the door to the room filled with secrets to change my own life for the better. Yet, it now feels like love’s blossom has finally begun to reveal itself to me; its petals have begun to open. It has been there all along but I am appreciating it and giving it more attention now because I know this is the time of humanity’s Awakening. I know that the Sun is rising above the horizon, coming out of hiding as it were, and that all of the flowers on Earth will eventually feel the impulse to open up and embrace the Source. They will throw off the shackles imposed upon them by the weeds, the negative energies that have had their way on this planet for so long. At the time of bringing this book to a close, there is a tangible new joy and confidence, peace and clarity, inside of me. It is early days yet. This is just the beginning.

I could not face working on this book much throughout 2009. I was doing a lot of research for other books but I lost my focus and the Conclusion to book two pretty much summed up where I was even though the light was peering through the cracks and gradually returning. My heart was no longer in it, I guess mostly because I never did find any permanent solutions to any of the challenges in my life and they only ended up getting worse. Someone once feigned disappointment as a way to debunk my work saying that they thought I had no solutions to offer. Ultimately, my conclusion is that there are no solutions to the kinds of problems I have been enduring (or ‘challenges’ I have been endeavouring to meet). As Abraham-Hicks suggests, humans tend to look for solutions to problems in order to find happiness but it doesn’t work. We must attend to our vibration first and foremost rather than our intellect and problem-solving antics. [See Appendix XIII].

“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.” - Albert Einstein.

I never embraced the concept of unconditional love either. In fact, I still don’t accept this whole situation even if it’s the most amazing gift in the form of spiritual initiation, which of course it is, for, as Lesley Tarrant Belcourt points out, "the whole world is going through an initiation - a raising and an expansion of consciousness...the very substance of the earth and the physical body is changing…Now, ‘the gate of initiation is being opened wide,’ and as we stand at the crossroads on the spiritual path and ‘bring forth the knowledge which is within,’ more is demanded of us. Called upon to use our own intuitive feelings, we have to learn, as White Eagle has said so often, ‘to discern and to discriminate.’" (Excerpt from a book review of The Light Bringer. The Ray of John and the Age of Intuition by White Eagle channelled through Grace Cooke, 2001, The White Eagle Publishing Trust, Hants., U.K.,

The experience only reinforces my desire that duality should be wrapped up ASAP, never to be repeated anywhere for any reason ever again. It reminds me of the short, direct path towards Christhood, or God-realisation, that the Christian saints took and which I just think is crazy even though I am in awe of St. Francis’ love which I have felt firsthand. So, I have not really changed. I am no more loving than I was before although I am starting to feel a deepening of the love in my heart and a more permanent bond with this energy [Retrospective note: In fact, within a couple of months of making this statement towards the end of 2009, I did move into a much deeper heart-centred state of being, permanently. 2011: OK, semi-permanently]. Personally, I feel that I have always been too sensitive and even too loving and that this experience has tempered that bias with the activation of power and increase in wisdom. And, yet, even as my ‘ego’ makes such a seemingly defiant statement, I can feel the butterfly starting to inch its way out of the chrysalis. My mind looks at the situation negatively, affirming and perhaps reinforcing the illusion of conflict and strife. The darkness remains because the chrysalis continues to exist. Although my circumstances are still heavy, however, the rebirth of my own heart into the Light of the eternal Spirit fills me with a sense of wonder and claims my focus. I am looking forward to being a butterfly, a heart with wings, a high-vibrational human angel no less! All those nightmares, all those demons, all those illusions must surely fall away with the chrysalis as the Sun shines, as the flower opens and the awakened being finally takes flight. In this process I trust for sure just as it is revealed by Mother Nature Herself in various ways.

"To 'come Home' means to know Love...Love is satiated in its own being. Love overflows. The thought of possessing, controlling or limiting can come only from one who feels emptiness. Love sets all things free. Love sets the world free to be as it is. Love sees perfect harmlessness. Love sees that because things are as they are, they are as they are. Think well about that statement. Because things are as they are, the mind in perfect freedom lets them be as they are, and sees them as utterly harmless." - Jeshua ben Joseph (channelled through Jayem, The Way of Mastery, Heartfelt Publishing, 1997,

I do believe that my life here in my rented and, unfortunately, stationary Tardis, parked in Monstaville, U.K., exists primarily to get my will into action, to awaken my power (but power combined with love) and my intention to move towards to mastery over life. It is a subtle process. This is not so much a war as the sword being forged: heated and hammered, folded over and over again, and the process repeated thousands of times, day after day, like a Samurai sword. I think we should strive towards the unconditional love of which the Masters speak as much as we feel able to. In other words, we should not give our power away when expressing our power is what is required (unless it is protection that we require, in which case, we can ask for assistance from the angels or other beings in the higher realms, or we may receive it automatically as Sai Baba suggests in the quote below). The foundation of all expression should be love, however, because we are eternal beings of Light - Spirit having a human experience, not the other way round. When it is just the ego reacting habitually, however, then, sure, we should probably accept and surrender in order to bypass it and tap into deeper feelings so that we are coming from a place of Light and joy. And, yet, to achieve that may require some preparation in terms of releasing emotional distortions which obscure the energy of our essence and keep us locked in the separate ego.

"My wise ones be loving, be caring and sharing, open yourself to the light and share it with the world. Be brave and know that when you come from the light you can never be truly harmed because love is pure and is stronger than darkness. When we are of the light and we are supported by the angels who care for us. Once this is understood fear doesn't even enter the equation." - Avatar Sai Baba (channelled through Natalie Glasson,

"How else do you think that the Masters ascended? They had to offer Love even in the hours when they were being harmed, physically harmed, or in some manner. They had to have that Love, and yet they stood in their Truth, and spoke their Truth. That's what makes a Master.” - Ashtar (channelled through Susan Leland, ‘Experiencing Separation Into Oneness,’ 27 July 2010,

Ultimately, the process that the Monstaville ‘trilogy’ represents is from a victim to master approach to life (See Appendix II: ‘Mother Mary - A Life of Lessons’ channelled through Sheryl Pedersen). It would appear that it is my own victim consciousness that has created my circumstances, including my various close shaves with death. My life experiences have enabled me to let go of the external world and know that I cannot rely on it, thus freeing me to be more heart-centred. Consequently, I have been very vulnerable living in this world thus far. What I am starting to appreciate, courtesy of St. Germain, is that, while the gateway of the heart in itself may not be such an influential ally, one must remember that it is within the heart that the Spirit, the Self, the Source, resides. It is therefore the door to magic and wonder, to the joy and happiness that we humans seek. There is much to explore beyond that door and, as we feel in the heart more and more deeply, certain codes are activated, certain layers of being are awakened, certain long lost treasures start to reappear.

I am, as you will gather more in this instalment, endeavouring to remain on the Ascension path (sometimes it feels more like a rodeo, being bucked this way and that and hurled all over the place – even pummelled and beaten up - yet still coming back for more!). I confess that am beginning to feel more love within my heart and experiencing a degree of immunity from the pounding on my ceiling day-in, day-out, meaning that it no longer affects me in the same way that it used to; it no longer grates on my nerves with the same intensity.

"Your life is flowing. All of life is flowing. There is a great river, and it is flowing Divinity through each expression of form, and its source is the unmanifest, the formless. That which you are dwells in both, yet that which you define yourself as lives in form for, once defined, it must be formed. Your greatest freedom is in defining yourself. Who do you choose to be? How do you choose to create and express? How do you intend to live the gift of each new day? Know that Creator has given you this freedom, and that you are free to use it. There are those among you who use it in full knowledge of the choices they have, and they are called Masters, and there are those who use it to imagine they have no power, and they are called Victims." - Archangel Gabriel ('Breathe and Receive,' No.8, channelled through Alexander Clearheart aka Lewis Skinner, 2009,

St. Germain explains that ‘your tormentors are there because that’s how you treat yourself.’ They are there to say, ‘This is how you treat yourself. Let me remind you what you’re doing.’ What you do to yourself you create outside. If you judge yourself or make yourself greater or less in comparison to other people, you are also creating that outside yourself. ‘Be real,’ he advises. ‘Take action to change how you are feeling.’ For example, leave the space if you do not wish to be there. (Channelled through Ashamarae McNamara, 26 June 2009, ‘Connecting to Your Authentic Self,’ Violet Hill Studios, London). At another event he explained that, ‘The minute you say, ‘They are doing this to me’ you are helpless.’ That one feels like a giant boulder blocking the entrance to the heart! It is, of course, a construct of the mind and one that has been placed there by a brainwashed society!

“Taking risks to reveal your authentic self is part of the total alignment that Earth is experiencing. You are a reflection of the path that Earth has taken, wherein she allowed herself to be abused and used, without protest. She tried to pretend that she was strong and could take the abuse without protest. But now she has reached her limit, and so have you. Taking abuse from others is a lethal form of self-abuse, because ultimately you are allowing it to happen when you don’t tell others about your authentic feelings. Saying, ‘No!’ to all forms of abuse is an essential part of spiritual growth for you and for Earth. You don’t need to be strong in the sense of stuffing down feelings and pretending everything’s okay, when it isn’t. You need to be strong only in the sense of speaking honestly about your true feelings. Take the risk to tell others how you feel. Take the risk to realign every part of your life so that it mirrors your true likes, passions and interests.” - Archangel Michael (channelled by Doreen Virtue, ‘Archangel Michael’s Message for 2010,’ 7 December 2009, 

We are conditioned to look outside of ourselves first instead of probing our own hearts for the source of our worries. We heard it from Alex Collier in the Conclusion to Book One. The Sufi mystic and poet, Rumi, declares, “Your task is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Once we go deep enough into the cavern of the heart we transcend its apparent emptiness and darkness. We find the source of all Light and warmth and it is within not outside of the cavern, within ourselves, not outside of ourselves. Indeed, once we find and embrace the precious jewels of Heaven, the illusion of the cavern and the world outside disappears. We awaken from the dream. Osho counsels us to give our gratitude to everything and everyone (and I have benefited from similar advice given by Isis and through the Messages of God). “Henceforth, be in constant gratitude for everything – even when you don’t like it,” say St. Germain and the Ascended Masters (channelled through Ashamarae, 12 June 2009, ‘Who Are the Ascended Masters?’). In my experience (if you are as disgruntled as I am!), you start off in the shallow end with ‘thank you anyway’ and slowly crawl towards the deep end (unless you are prefer the breaststroke or you are able to reach that place by leaps and bounds by doing the butterfly!).

"Gratitude is heaven itself.” - William Blake.

At the 12:12 ‘party’ with AFW (December 2009), during which the Isis, the Queen of Egypt, as she introduced herself quietly, reconnected our twelve strands of DNA, I mentioned that I had recently come across a channelled message given by Isis in 2006 on Gratitude. I claimed that I had never really been grateful for anything in my life but had, as a result, started making a practice of gratitude for everything even if I did not really feel grateful. I added that this releases a degree of joy for which one can feel grateful. At the end of the celebration, we grounded the energy by dancing and hugging everyone. Inevitably, everyone then wanted to hug St. Germain, who was still present in Ashamarae’s body, too. He said to me, ‘Thank you for your willingness to change.’ I looked at him blankly, not knowing what he meant.

When I got home, I felt a strange urge to listen to David Sylvian’s beautiful album Secrets of the Beehive (1987) which I had not listened to for five or six years. I was wearing headphones so I could listen to it fairly loud. During the song ‘Let the Happiness in’ I suddenly felt that I wanted to close my eyes. I had acknowledged the song but I was busy doing something on my computer and was not paying full attention. It is a very special song (as is ‘Forbidden Colours,’ my favourite song, which is also on this album). As I took in the words, it soon dawned on me that St. Germain was thanking me (and/or my Inner Child) for accepting the healing energies from the angels and from him and, finally, deciding to have a go at practising gratitude as well as some of the other advice he has given me during the course of this year. These are quite subtle changes but I can feel that they have altered my attitude to life permanently. He might also have been referring to the sudden commitment I made to the Light when I realised that the accelerated energies were here back in January. I likened the effects of this decision to a rocket being set up and which has been firing its engines all year, on and off. I said that on that day it felt like it was starting to think about actually taking off. [1]

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson.

St. Germain was also deliberately echoing the Mandarin’s words to me towards the end of my healing back in 1992. I was told that I refused to change, that however much healing energy was given to me, unless I worked on myself in order to integrate it permanently, it would have little effect in the long-run. It is for this reason that I was flung down into hell after that recuperation period of my life, as I see it (or, some support and protection was removed to allow me to fall into this hole all by myself)! The expectation was, I’m certain, that I would finally say ‘Enough!’ after fifteen years of ‘torture.’ Indeed, to repeat what I stated earlier, if I have learned anything in life it is that life in the realm of duality is a nightmare and one that I want the Source to end not for myself alone but for everyone (and, at this stage, I’m no longer sure ‘free will’ is all it’s cracked up to be even: which is it that knows what is best for us and where our deepest happiness lies, our separate, illusory ego or God Self?). Achieving that goal individually seems like a tall order at this stage but, as more of us create space for the Light to enter, I believe it is our destiny at this critical hour to wake up collectively. The faster we all embrace the higher frequencies and welcome our ‘long-lost’ galactic family, the sooner we can, indeed, restore our beloved planet to a more civilised level of consciousness. Have no doubt, we are returning to a state of Oneness and Grace in which we can all enjoy living in a world of love and abundance.

The third dimension is the galactic loony bin as far as I’m concerned, a bin where all the loonies go because their sense of self-worth as well as their sense of reality are too low to support an existence in the higher dimensions. This is the bit of God that is insane, the missing marbles from God’s brain! [See Karma & Emotions]. And, so, it appears that 2009 has been about making choices, as the ‘Council of 29/11’ affirm, as we ‘serve the planetary evolution through healing self’:

“Are you willing to be entrusted with ancient truths that seek a host to hold them dear and breathe their truths back into remembrance? Are you willing to see the beauty within your self so you can see the beauty within life? For it is only through love that you may enter their truths and sup upon their well-kept secrets. The ultimate choice is to give without thought of loss. To jump without fear into the abyss with the knowing that in all darkness light is held captive. To come to the ledge and fly without fear or remorse VENTURING WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD and showing the universe what mankind is made of. There is no growth in a safe space and 2009 holds that teaching. Embrace the energy and light that you house and reach for the Event Horizon.” (‘Council of 29/11 that serves the year 2009,’ channelled through Gillian MacBeth-Louthan, 11 November 2009,
The Mandarin had not succeeded in opening me up, or reaching my wounded child. I guess my wounded child was holding on to fear and pain too tightly and kept closing up by default as an automatic response to life. I have always been shy and oversensitive and found this world to be too cold, controlling and harsh to cope with. I have always been at its mercy and, consequently, I have felt a need to rebel emotionally, I suppose, in order to preserve my freedom and explore my inner life, my own beauty, wisdom and creativity. He once said something to me which I felt penetrate to my core, much to my surprise, and he smiled, saying, ‘That one went in didn’t it?’ I smiled awkwardly in response. He also advised me to ‘embrace people’ which I can’t say I ever did (haha). Both St. Germain and the Mandarin offered to assist in curing the ‘attention deficiency’ from which I have suffered since childhood and on a certain day or within a certain time frame, neither of which were earnest but, rather, methods of inspiring me to want change and motivating me to embrace the notion of being whole, energised and happy. Finally, the healing appears to have taken place. At least there has been some improvement to my condition. The return of Light to this world has dramatically shifted my perspective of life. Suddenly, living seems more worthwhile than escaping by any means possible. I am still stuck down this hole but it is true to say that I have found more peace within myself and that I am starting to have more faith in the future.

“He who experiences the unity of life,” said the Buddha, “sees his own Self in all beings and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.” The Ascended Masters suggest that we own all the experiences in our lives. The Master, they said, ‘owns everything as themselves, including people.’ Personally, I do not see how one can own everything in one’s life unless one sees the truth that one has created it all (how do you take responsibility for something when the only thing you know is that it’s shit? Haha). They don’t complain because then you add energy to that and ‘it sticks to you.’ Easier said than done! I can just about get my head round the concept that my intimidators are not doing this to me. I am living here so that the constant pressure from my neighbours can release all my pent up anger and frustration and bring it to the surface like drilling for precious oil deep underground, in my unconscious. This has finally enabled me to become more aware of these energies and to transmute them.

“The more that you can know and be conscious of how you are being, even in your desires and in your reactions; even to those thoughts likened unto like fear on one hand and deliciousment on another. So the more that you are aware of these deeper levels of yourself and it is not difficult really. Pay attention, be Now, you see?” – P’taah (channelled through Jani King, December 2010,

“Be Content with what you have;
rejoice in the Way things are.
When you Realise there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.”
- Laozi.

There is some subtle processing going on here in terms of my own self-awareness. Indigos are having the same experiences as everyone else but we are learning, or reawakening to truths we already know but have forgotten. In this way, we are bringing more awareness to bear on the world. This and our intense emotional responses are helping to accelerate human evolution in preparation for the crystalline leap. In my youth, I was passive, gentle, timid, shy and oversensitive as a result of ongoing trauma. This experience itself has been a great inspiration for me and a means to explore the realm of emotions, however painful this has largely been until now, and awaken to the long-neglected feminine aspects of my consciousness (in previous lifetimes during the patriarchal age). I was an introverted Indigo whose adolescent male energy (symbolised by Mars in astrology) was not due to surface until my mid-20s. So I find myself in this situation, amidst this strife because I was such a helpless victim previously. I was literally crushed and couldn’t do anything about the tragedy that was my life. I am still a ‘victim of circumstance.’ Yet, my character is different. There was always a core of power lurking deeply within me but - like gold bullion buried beneath the King’s palace - it was sense of confidence, faith and self-love, I could hardly apply it to my external life. It was locked away and, in my bumbling absent-mindedness (or, rather, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), I had temporarily lost the key. Now, added to the old me is a new dynamic presence that views things differently, that somehow remembers, unconsciously, being more outwardly confident and taking decisive action, that approaches life positively, that expects to triumph rather than be defeated, that resists and defies, that challenges and confronts, that mischievously, and sometimes sharply (or rudely), asserts the truth regardless of the consequences, that can be impatient, that is not afraid to speak up, that fights for justice and against injustice and that, essentially, is a warrior.

"Whenever you are in a negative state, there is something in you that wants the negativity, that perceives it as pleasurable, or that believes it will get you what you want. Otherwise, who would want to hang on to negativity, make themselves and others miserable, and create disease in the body?
So, whenever there is negativity in you, if you can be aware at that moment that there is something in you that takes pleasure in it or believes it has a useful purpose, you are becoming aware of the ego directly. The moment this happens, your identity has shifted from ego to awareness.
This means the ego is shrinking and awareness is growing. If in the midst of negativity you are able to realise ‘At this moment I am creating suffering for myself’ it will be enough to raise you above the limitations of conditioned egoic states and reactions. It will open up infinite possibilities which come to you when there is awareness - other vastly more intelligent ways of dealing with any situation. You will be free to let go of your unhappiness the moment you recognise it as unintelligent.
Negativity is not intelligent. It is always of the ego. The ego may be clever, but it is not intelligent. Cleverness pursues its own little aims. Intelligence sees the larger whole in which all things are connected. Cleverness is motivated by self-interest, and it is extremely short-sighted. Most politicians and businesspeople are clever. Very few are intelligent. Whatever is attained through cleverness is short-lived and always turns out to be eventually self-defeating. Cleverness divides; intelligence includes."
- Eckhart Tolle.

Once again, I am in a position of relative helplessness, living in this ground floor flat with its thin walls and ceiling, and surrounded by aggressive bullies who probably would never even have such an opportunity to indulge in power-trips under other circumstances (at least not in this country). I am defending my space, my nerves and my peace of mind here by coping with and combating the multi-angular assaults, both intended destructively and spewed out carelessly; ignorant behaviour either way. I am also an outsider in this society, at the mercy of the capitalist Machine and, in turn, doing my bit as an Indigo to destroy the System and make way for the golden, co-creative future. I am still suffering from amnesia, as we all are, but gradually (potentially, as the higher frequencies kick in) rediscovering my power to consciously create the life I choose.

“What happens when you accept all parts of yourself? Do you act out your anger? Become a coward? This fear of opening a Pandora’s Box of our own worst qualities is what keeps many of us from owning all parts of ourselves. Your natural state is one of love for yourself and others. You do not stay in a state of fear and anger, greed or jealousy when you acknowledge those aspects of yourself. By turning around to look at them, and accepting their presence in yourself and others, you restore the natural state of peace. Some people won’t like it when you discover and share your authentic self. By ‘authentic,’ I mean that you accept all parts of yourself, even those that others do not.” - Betty Perkins (Lion Taming. The courage to deal with difficult people including yourself, Tzedakah Publications, CA, U.S., 1995, p.106).

Foot note

1. Um, shortly afterwards, it keeled over. External circumstances appeared to conspire to cause my world to cave in on me. Like the flame of a candle reaching a quarter of its potential but, then, as the wind starts blowing, dying down again until it is finally extinguished. So, that chapter of my life, in fact, ended quite abruptly. And it felt like beings beyond the Ascended Masters had elected to close that window of opportunity and cast me back out into the winter of my soul because I was not ready to make a sudden leap to summertime. In other words, the fast track to Ascension was a timeline that required 100% commitment – fundamentally, to opening the heart - and I still had some shadows rearing their heads which I allowed to get the better of me.


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