Monstaville Book III. Chapter 34

34

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” - Shams Tabrizi.

27 February 2014. Seems everywhere I go there's one person (male) who resents me just by looking at me and thinks I'm a cunt. Too funny…Angry men who are bullies, lacking the courage to face themselves, are freaked out by me being sensitive, spiritual, intelligent, creative and rebellious and want to believe I'm something less than them when deep down they know that perception is incorrect.  They are afraid of truth and truth is where I am coming from. Always. A friend tells me that, as an Indigo, I will hold a mirror up into which they fear to look and it’s easier to call me the cunt than admit they are the cunt.

15 March 2014. Saturday night. A week ago I asked a young boy and his friend who were using my house as a goal not to play football in the street right outside my house and he reacted rudely and defiantly. I asked him to go down to the park which is only a few minutes away and he said he can’t because he might lose his ball. He’s older than other children that have played in the street and this, apparently, makes him louder whether talking, playing football or basketball or riding his scooter. The next time the noise put me off working I went outside again and this time I expressed a bit of anger in regard to his attitude. The boy said that my neighbours don’t seem to have a problem with it (the guy next door plays football for a local team plus they and pretty much everyone else has modern double glazing, just like they did where I used to live). I said that if it did not stop I would write to the council after a week and they’d send letters to everyone in the area (I had a mosey on Google to find out what might be done about the situation if he refused to stop!). I neglected to explain that I do not have proper double glazing and can hear everything in the street.

Anyway, Saturday comes around and it sounds like two boys are hanging around specifically outside my house, talking and riding scooters. It’s noisy and I can’t concentrate so I go down and open the front door to see what’s going on. They are just going back and forth on their scooters so I leave it and close the door. That was at 8.30 p.m. an hour or so later I hear several youngsters talking outside in the street and assume that they are on their way out somewhere, to a party or something. However, this goes on for ages and, finally, I decide to take a peep out of the window, just moving the curtain slightly to get a better view because there are about a dozen teenagers, mostly boys, standing in the street outside my house talking. Not long after this I watched a boy knock my friend’s wheely bin over as though attacking a person in a fit of rage. A friend advised him to stand it up again. I went downstairs and stood by the front door to see if I could hear what they were saying. Almost immediately, I heard one boy say, ‘Drag him out and stab him in the ass!’ So, now I was certain that they were here to visit me even though there was no knock on the door. After a short while I heard one of the girls shout at a woman across the street who must have been watching through her window. She said, something like, ‘Hey, cunt, what are you looking at?’ Nice! I left them to get on with it but asked Archangel Michael to send them away and not allow them to return. They left at 10.50 just as I was considering phoning the police.

I had noticed during the week that the other children had been informed of the situation. My friend’s daughter gave me a filthy look, for instance, and I came home one day to find others playing ball in the street and they looked surprised when they realised that I was not at home. One girl looked at me as if hoping that I would be displeased but I just smiled at her. I have no problem with kids playing in the street. God, they should know that by now! As I said, however, I failed to explain exactly what the issue is. I can only imagine that the boy with the scooter and football, who seems to be new in the area, has told other kids at school about this and that has led to this gang of teenagers paying me a visit.

Quite possibly, they have learned that I am the man with the dyed beard who was involved in that incident at the bus stop one Saturday night several months ago. The boy who was slapped cannot be happy that his own lary attitude met with such a violent and unexpected reaction. They certainly do not appear to hang around that bus stop late at night anymore although the weather has yet to warm up. I now feel that perhaps that altercation was a necessary evil since unruly behaviour and prejudice are clearly issues amongst young people in this area.

A friend informed me that he has encountered teenage troublemakers on several occasions. He told his step-son not to go mouthing off or getting into trouble here because they are not from the area but he did not listen. My friend told me that these kids just want a reaction so that they have a reason to mouth off, damage your house or attack you. The best policy, therefore, is simply to ignore them. And phone the police because they will come and disperse them and then patrol the area each day for a few weeks and the mob will find someone else to hassle.

Another friend told me about the time when a group of teenagers were hanging around outside his house and he asked them to go somewhere else. The next day, his kitchen flooded owing to a black bin liner having been stuffed into one of the pipes at the back of his house. In addition, a few days after this, he came home to find that these kids had broken into his house through the back door. He did not have anything for them to steal but they wrote on the walls and backs of cupboard doors downstairs and up in the bedroom.

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” - Elif Shafak (The Forty Rules of Love).

1 April 2014 (or it could have been 31 March 2014). I went out to do tai chi because the Sun came out during mid-afternoon. In fact, it was like a Summer’s day by that time. It was about 4 p.m. The boy with glasses was playing football with his friend and, in an act of generosity, I apologised for not explaining to him that the reason I had asked him to stop previously is that I do not have proper double glazing so I can hear everything in the street. I said that I usually go out around that time (although I meant in the warm weather) – that is, when he gets home from school - and that we can just work around each other. I suggested that he does not care because he is just a little boy who wants to have fun and he smiled and nodded wholeheartedly as though receiving a licence to do what the hell he wants. I went and had a look at his road and asked him why they did not play there. I asked him if it was because there is no wall space. He said, no, it’s not that. His friend’s father does a night shift and won’t allow them to play there during the day when he is trying to sleep. I said that’s similar to my reason. I am trying to work, I said, and the sound of his football bouncing on the road is very loud. The following day, they played football further down on another road. I figured that I had gotten through to him and he understood that I was doing him a favour and felt grateful enough to find another spot.

3 April. The little boy with glasses strikes back with vengeance. Not at the usual time but at 5 p.m. bouncing the ball as hard as possible on the road right outside my house over and over again. I am guessing he wanted a reaction because, after a while, he threw the ball at the wall between my house and the neighbours half-a-dozen times. Definitely trying to piss me off anyway! So, that’s the end of the amnesty already. I didn’t go out and say anything but next time I may well go round to talk to his parents. Not something I am looking forward to at all and would rather avoid but a friend tells me this is the way things are done here, although she’s from a large town. Man, I wish I hadn’t apologised to him now. The kid is an idiot.

“Nothing kills the soul that commands to evil like seeing the beauty of the heart.” - Shams Tabrizi.

June. I made an enemy. Some lanky schizo guy (again from Rochdale) who hates Southerners and harbours a grudge against one who ran off with all the money for a music project. He was explaining his approach to life and defined it as ‘punk.’ However, it sounds more like a Satanic philosophy. I don’t know where he picked it up. He is kind of a big baby really, spiritually at least, but then so was Pigsy. Selfish and vengeful. I am just so grateful to find out who I can trust and who to avoid now. I just want to interact with cool people and have nothing to do with the really uncool ones. He is being a bit intimidating but I suppose it’s all part of the test to remain heart-centred. [Retrospective note: This guy, it turns out, is a psycho who once threatened a friend of mine with a knuckleduster and has now, thankfully, left town since his longsuffering partner finally left him. This friend thinks he is an Ashkenazi because of his features (dark hair, slightly slanted eyes and droopy facial skin - something like that. lol). That might explain why he has interpreted the punk ethos in a Satanic light as he may have grown up with such a philisophy].

14 September. Well, people come and go, even in a tiny village like this. The boy who kept bouncing his ball outside my house has been replaced by a few younger boys crashing their scooters against the tarmac which is just as bad but I have not said anything. They can’t exactly take those down to the wreck to play there. The pub over the road has been bought by a local woman and turned into a happy hell from how it sounds later on Friday and Saturday nights when the noise keeps me awake if it is hot and I have the skylight open. It’s loud enough as it is, particularly because I sleep in the attic and the roof provides less protection from sound. The music blaring out is one thing but most of the noise comes from people shouting and mucking about outside the pub in the street. Apparently, these are mostly friends of the new landlady, and loyal customers from a previous pub who make the two-mile journey from town each weekend. A new friend tells me that the pub will probably close down at some point, something that I have been hoping for! He reckons that, eventually, she will feel the pinch as a result of the special discounts she is giving her old customers. She will either go bust or increase her prices and then they’ll tail off. We shall see.

One of my friends up here told me that she had a neighbour for over ten years somewhere down south who was always really nasty and threatening towards her. Up here, a guy was telling me various horror stories of the bad old days when there were some real troublemakers in the area. He says it’s a perfectly harmless place now by comparison. However, I was taking to a guy on a barge one day on my way to town along the canal and he was telling me that he was being bullied and harassed by another boat owner who apparently kept trying to start a fight with him. He also told me that his son was bullied at the local school and got beaten up quite badly. But he was able to get the trouble stopped by going down to the school soon after the incident. I can’t remember the details of all the stories which I heard around the same time, about six months ago. I’m including these brief notes because I never really heard such stories from others since leaving home as a teenager.

19 September. It turns out that a Christian guy who is also spiritual, highly aware of the global tyranny that has taken place on this planet and slightly younger than me, whom I’ve known for some time, endured what may be referred to as ‘persecution’ in an Asian Muslim ghetto but up here in Yorkshire. I have not heard the full story yet but he hated it and was driven to despair anyway, saying that they looked upon him as an enemy, or ‘infidel’ as he put it.

21 September. Had a very interesting experience. I went on a hike to some large stones. When I got there I tried to boil some water using one of the hobo stoves I made last year but never got round to using. I failed miserably. It was very windy up there on the tops and I arrived just before dusk so it started getting dark after half-an-hour. I should have taken some tiny twigs in addition to the paper, dried grass and pine cones I guess. Anyway, I was feeling really, really cold so I started to make my way back. I had noticed a small group of brown cows walking past down below from the rock that I was sitting on but assumed they had gone somewhere else. Apparently not. As I walked along the path away from the rocks two big brown cows started to follow me. I thought it was weird but didn’t think anything of it. However, they then ran past me and joined the path further ahead. They turned around and looked at me as if to say, ’Where do you think you’re going?’ I have never been scared f cows but since moving up here I have heard some stories by people who, since their encounters with cows chasing them, are! Usually, said cows have been protecting their calves or want the humans out of their field or something. But, bizarrely, these cows appeared to want to prevent me from leaving the place! I think the group did have a couple of calves with them but, surely, if they want to protect them they would have been happy for me to leave! Evidently, they were surprised to see me, particularly at dusk. I cannot imagine what they were trying to accomplish or what their intentions were by blocking my way. I did consider just walking up to them and pushing past them, through the middle, but I was completely freaked out as a result of those stories I had heard. So I walked briskly over the heather and through a lumpy bog to the perimeter fence. I am guessing they were surprised or confused to watch a human walk over that rough terrain. I did not run in case they did chase me! As soon as I climbed over the barbed wire fence the two cows turned and started to walk back! Very mysterious. I then had to jump over a mucky stream and felt very relieved to be on the road again.

On my way home, I had to pass through the local town and noticed some friends in a bar so I joined them for a half. I ended up having an interesting conversation with a really tall, fit guy who recounted some of his encounters with local thugs and psychos over the years. He had trained as a kickboxer five nights a week for six years and had reached competition level. He was born and bred in this town. He explained that he is ‘old school’ and says that people never used to do cowardly things like bash someone over the back of the head with a bottle. He complained that he used to encounter men with whom you could not have a rational conversation. They were incapable of reasoning and just asserted that they were right and would argue on that basis until a fight broke out. He knows what sort of men, young and old, will attack at the flick of a switch and just want trouble (he pointed someone out to me in the street).  He was telling me that a load of young men would travel from Bacup once a year to cause trouble and brag that they beat the locals up. That was nonsense, however, he said, because he was there and helped to chase them a mile or so out of town.

He also gave me a very useful tip which is that if anyone attacks me with a knife again I should go for the centre of their throat, not with my fingers, but with the soft flesh between the thumb and index finger as it will take them down without the risk of death. It works every time he said but one has to do it with force. That gives the victim a chance to run away as the assailant is on the floor and realises that the person at least has a few tricks up their sleeve to defend themselves.

He said he wasn’t proud of all the fights he had been in but says that’s just how it was. If men are going to be stupid and violent when he’s around he will just sort it out immediately, no messing. He then said that, once, a guy came up to him in a bar and accused him of having spoken to him rudely once in the past. He just replied that they had never met and he didn’t know what he was talking about. As a result, the guy went back to the other room to sit with his six mates. Apparently, he did remember this guy and could have easily said, ‘Yeah I know you and I’m going to beat you up and then your mates afterwards.’

Our conversation made me feel that, with someone like him around, the town is safer than I thought. Perhaps, with the introduction of martial arts to the West, there have been enough men who have been able to defend themselves and others from the ‘redneck’ threat in these parts to make a difference. I have a friend who also trained in kung fu in order to defend himself after a narrow escape in his youth. And another friend was telling me only last week that a local psycho (as opposed to thug) once smashed his girlfriend’s head down one a pool table. Not hard enough to cause any lasting damage but enough for my friend to suddenly find himself on this guy, on the floor, with a pool cue on his neck taking him to task. Fortunately, this dangerous person, has since died.

“Dark humour isn’t everybody’s cup of liquidised dead baby.” - Anon.

Early October. I had a chat with a newish neighbour down the road. He’s 23 or something, I forget, quite anxious and a tad paranoid, with ADHD. He’s originally from Bolton or somewhere and has grown up in a very rough environment. Consequently, he appears to expect trouble. He sees it coming and reacts and I found during our discussion that trouble follows him like a shadow because his whole aggressive attitude attracts it. He’s the good guy of course but if he spies you looking at him or thinks you are he won’t hesitate to confront you! So you’d better watch out! He related some of his experiences while living in Burnley, another rough place. He was hit on the temple by someone with a knuckleduster, for instance, after a guy apparently picked on him. He had then punched the guy and walked away instead of finishing him off. After the cowardly attack, a man rushed out of his car and knocked him out with his fist. The neighbour told me about a time when he was bashed over the head with a brick. Generally, speaking he was telling me that he always stands up for himself no matter what and is not afraid of death which gives him an advantage. He told me about a guy in Burnley who pulls knives and guns on people and would happily use these weapons, and no doubt has. He was also kicked out of the army for beating a guy up but the soldier started it and had been winding him up repeatedly. These harrowing experiences and no doubt much more besides have left this man in a permanent state of anxiety where he believes in fighting and expects trouble to be lurking round the corner. He also said that there are a few young ruffians in town who have tried to pick fights with him but he told me there are too many CCTV cameras around so he will not do anything unless he sees them out of town. I got the feeling we were meant to have that talk and, al the way through, I was hoping that he might receive some healing from my energy or digest the wisdom that I imparted to him regarding attitude and reaction. Not that he means any harm, but he’s like a stick of dynamite ready to go off at any time if someone presses his buttons whether deliberately or not.

“The whole universe is contained within a single human being - you. Everything that you see around, including the things you might not be fond of and even the people you despise or abhor, is present within you in varying degrees. Therefore, do not look for Satan outside yourself either. The devil is not an extraordinary force that attacks from without. It is an ordinary voice within. If you get to know yourself fully, facing with honesty and hardness both your dark and bright sides, you will arrive as a supreme form of consciousness. When a person knows himself or herself, he or she knows God.” -  Shams Tabrizi.

25 October. The scooters are still bashing the street outside my house and there’s even an incredibly loud pogo stick that joins in the fun and games sometimes now. But the worst thing that happened this year – indeed, the worst thing that has happened for years – is that my throat has sustained an injury courtesy of a ‘friend’ who showed me a jujitsu headlock (‘razorlock’) and it has now been three months and it has yet to heal fully. He didn’t let go and the pain grew so wild that I was convinced I was about to die. So I pinched his side and he let go. It was extremely painful for a couple of days and particular so when swallowing. Then, during the second week, it hurt to swallow food. Then the inflammation went down and I was left with an uncomfortable crunch when I swallowed with my head down slightly and to the left. Now, all of these symptoms have gone. I thought perhaps that a muscle had been torn but that would have healed more quickly, apparently. The doctor told me that the larynx is a kind of ligament and if that was injured the healing would take a few months if not longer. There is slight pain remaining in my throat and my vocal chords are evidently damaged. I could not sing above a low pitch for three weeks. Then, after a couple of months, I could actually sing the higher notes in the song I had just written prior to this weird incident. Alas, I still can’t sing the really high notes in some of my songs and they are the most powerful and emotive parts. It brought to a head my depression over not managing to record my songs despite offers of assistance which came to nothing, or very little at any rate. This experience scared me. I can’t afford to lose my music again, especially since I have only just got it back! Basically, I spent the Summer being very angry and STILL not getting anywhere because there simply isn’t any money. I have a cheap old four-track that I obtained on Ebay but it is inadequate and it is taking me a long time to figure out how to use it effectively. Then, I was informed by St. Germain that I had allowed my heart to close. He inserted an owl made of Light into my heart. The owl’s outstretched wings clearly showing the need to keep my heart open. I feel that it is some way open again and I am keenly protecting it and endeavouring to maintain this state as I do feel a bit more at peace with myself (less distraught).

Here is how I summarised the situation in a message (on 2 December) to an old school friend who found me on Facebook in early November:

“Yeah I suppose I came across as being quite gruff and pissed off with everything. I'm not apologising because I had good reason to be angry with life for a while there so that side of myself surfaced and I was looking at everything negatively. Of course it's not all negative but a rich tapestry of light and shade. As you probably know, I lost touch with my music for nigh ten years due to my living conditions in Ilford. I got it all back again when I moved up here and I've written some amazing new songs and enhanced many of the old ones so I've been really getting into it even though people have promised to help me record stuff and then never really followed through so I only really have two recordings to share atm. I've not got a little 8-track which I'm learning to use. A week after a gig I did in July, during a conversation, someone 'showed' me a jujitsu headlock and, well, you know me, I just said, 'Yeak OK,' trusting the person to have good intentions. But his ego took over and he didn't let go. Maybe he was trying to make me pass out for a laugh, I don't know. Anyway the pain got so intense I thought I was going to die so I pinched his side and he let go. It was extremely painful to swallow for a while and I could only sing at a low pitch. That was 4 months ago and basically it looks like he's damaged my larynx, possibly permanently. I just get the occasional crunch/twinge when I swallow with my head lowered now. My vocal cords are in tact apparently but my voice isn't. Since I can't reach the higher notes I've lost pretty much all of the wonderful music I've created over the past few years and I'm scared because if it's permanent I won't even be able to record that music. All I can do is accept the situation and try to have faith that the injury will correct itself over time. But yeah I was very angry for a while and it brought up all my anger about life generally. My life was never 'drugs and parties' but anyway I thought I should explain why I reflected your positive 'life statement' with such a dark one. I'm struggling, sure, but I'd rather live like this than conform to the system or be enslaved by it. So I do appreciate the freedom and the work, the higher purpose, I have, even though it has come at quite a high price. And yes I do regret ever starting these books. My precious music has more value to me but I know that the books have more value to the world and I am content with my mission and grateful for a chance to serve humanity in this way. Actually, that exchange and something else that happened that week contributed to my realising I was in a terrible space and letting go of that rage. So thanks for that. As I said, it was a good omen! Haha.”

“Never attribute to malice that which can be reasonably explained by stupidity.” - Spider Robinson.

I believe that dark forces attack me, usually through people I allow to close to me and do not warrant such trust, whenever I do gigs, which is about one a year at the moment. I fell out with someone who lost their temper and railed at me nastily a few weeks before my short gig in July. Then, a week after the gig, this happened. The doctor told me the ‘friend’ was trying to make a point, implying that this was some show of power which makes sense and is also interesting in that he says that he has heard so many definitions of the word ’ego’ that he still doesn’t know what it is. Yeah, the physical ego of the male. This exchange was instigated, albeit innocently, by me, however, which is why I cannot simply blame someone else on this occasion. Our conversation touched upon martial arts, which both of us have studied, and I was trying to show the headlock I had learned but couldn’t quite remember it properly. I believe that, on this occasion, it is possible that this event was simply destined and may have been karmic. We both have something to learn from the experience. I have to learn love and forgiveness. And, clearly, a lot of anger has also been unleashed which must now be channelled positively.

You don’t have to explain. You just have to be strong. No need to speak; just be. Neither judge nor react. Just smile. It’s a crack. (A note-to-self whilst out and about two days before my birthday. That week was very positive and I fell in love. Then immediately after my birthday everything came crashing down and for a whole week anything that could break broke, including my leather bag straps, a rucksack strap – and all I did was try to loosen it, the dimmer switch in the lounge and the tape converter I finally got round to using in order to digitalise my audio tapes – after one side! Can’t remember what else apart from the battery in my key ring torch going and the replacement battery for my mobile, which I bought just over a year ago, suddenly producing only one day’s charge).

“Careful of those who admire you deeply, think you’re brilliant but resent your light.” — Warsan Shire.

As for the other guy, his competitive ego is stronger than his desire for truth, let’s just put it that way. Although this guy is from abroad, men around here want to feel that they know everything. There have been conflicts of this nature between us and I have endeavoured to be patient, as a kind of teacher needs to be. I have a theory that there are some people around here towards whom I may have behaved violently or unfairly in past lives and that the whole situation is karmic both in the sense that some people seem have attacked me subconsciously and that I might one day help to wake these people and others up. Because people do not want to see who I am and rather feel more comfortable looking down on me, as though the beautiful, sweet, intelligent, sensitive, spiritual, tormented, shy and socially-awkward introvert could not possibly be more evolved or be on the path that they avoid fearfully, unwilling to let go of their self-importance, their control, their beliefs. There are lot of Indigos around here who are stuck. I’m stuck too but at least I have a spiritual life. This person does not understand that his superiority complex, his competitive and nationalistic attitude, are what caused the damage by subconsciously allowing it to happen. He is a confident idiot. And my Light has gone out.

“Don’t allow the mental attitudes of anger and depression to become activated.” - Saint Germain (channelled by Aruna Byers, 21 February 2007, www.awakeningcoach.com).

2 January 2014. I’m pretty depressed now. It has been five months now and there has been no further improvement. I have to avoid playing my songs in order to avert full-on depression which could last for several months. I’m also staving off suicidal thoughts. It’s certainly not easy. I’m praying at night, asking for help. Not much else I can do except accept that it is karma to love something, keep losing it and bringing it back to life again, albeit damaged to some degree. This issue just makes all other problems pale into insignificance. Yet, as I keep saying, I already had my fair share of difficulties. This is pushing me over the edge but I can’t afford to go with it. It’s like dancing with an enemy you can’t get away from but you’re locked in through some karmic programme. I was a seed of potential for a while there, a small flame even, inspiring others and prepared to demonstrate what can be accomplished spiritually. Now, I am the complete opposite. I’m an example of self-delusion, dead in the water, proof that the notion of spiritual growth is a dead end, a path to misery and despair rather than peace and happiness. As I told a friend, this was the shittiest New Year’s Eve that I can remember. Nothing compares to this awful situation. It represents the end of my Ascension dreams. I have slipped further down the sewer, further from the Light, and can see no restitution on the horizon.

[Retrospective note: I received some powerful healing in meditation on two occasions, weeks apart, that, firstly, removed the extreme anxiety I was experiencing concerning being in my body and, secondly, removed the disconcerting ‘crunch’ I was experiencing when I swallowed if my head was tilted down and slightly to the left. Since then I have been in much higher spirits, feeling much more hopeful that my voice will eventually return].

“The real dirt is not outside, but inside, in our hearts. We can wash all stains with water. The only one we can’t remove is the grudge and the bad intentions sticking to our hearts.” - Shams Tabrizi.

“Like a caterpillar we weave a cocoon of thoughts, doubts, and fantasies, slowly suffocating ourselves.” - Shams Tabrizi.

15 February. I shared a tag on Facebook that reads:

What a sociopath looks like

Charming

Delusional

Never wrong

No empathy

Plays the victim

LIES & CHEATS

Twists your words

Has to win

‘gas-lights’

Apparently this was written by a lady named Susan Fitzmaurice.

I made an honest observation that I have met several men in Yorkshire who fit this description. A friend form Bradford responded, “symptomatic of a dog eat world.” I commented: “Maybe. Everyone responds differently. But those men are more stuck than anyone one I've met before.” And then found myself having to explain that men are generally gentler and more sensitive down south in the main - which was not my friend’s experience when he worked down in London. Cities are a different kettle of fish. And you hardly stand out at all if you’re a northerner whereas a southerner living up north is definitely a foreigner and a convenient target for some people’s ire. Then I had a bath and contemplated this issue. I came up with the following conclusions:

Yes, indeed, where the centre of money and power is there are always going to be greedy opportunists and money and power in the wrong hands. It would be the same up here or anywhere. And it’s why so many Jews are in on the corporate hegemony. It’s because they have the opportunity to profit from the status afforded Talmudic Supremacists. Same applies to people profiting from the MIC. The choice between conscience and corruption would apply to us more if white supremacists held the reins of economic and political power. As with the Jews, if we did not conform they might make our lives more difficult and if we resisted and started sharing their secrets we would be first in the firing line so they would take extra measures to keep us in line. It’s the same for the Jews whom they wish to control as their lackeys, or ‘people,’ whilst at the same time seeing them as a potential threat. That’s what the concentration camps were about: Zionists dealing with Jews who refused or were reluctant to join them as well as other individuals who posed a threat to their Zionazi ideology which did not end with World War II but merely shifted to the United States and Israel as planned all along. So they have to keep the pressure up. That’s what staying in power is all about for a small group of aggressors.

Well it’s colder in the north and the emphasis on the rational mind reminds me of Germany so I see an affinity there. I was talking about a few men from Yorkshire not other northern counties although I have had issues with several Scottish men as well. Come to think of it though, the two white English men I was threatened by down south were from Doncaster (although Pigsy was probably half-Irish) and York. My point is there is an attitude here of looking down on women, on the heart, on sensitivity and on spirituality which provides a breeding place for darkness, where demonic energies can fester. And this means that the spirit, the Light, is having to work harder and concentrate on softening the rocks by sending people like me here. When I’d much rather be posted somewhere sunny thanks!

Interestingly, as I was writing this there was a knock at the door and I rushed downstairs to see who it might be. Who knows, it could have been important? Then just as I was approaching the front door, I remembered that it’s Sunday and probably Christians doing their rounds. An elderly man and woman were at the door holding Christian pamphlets and I rudely interrupted the man and told them to go and dance and play in a field in this sunshine somewhere. I said, ‘It’s 2015’ and was about to say that Christianity died a long time ago. The man then put me to shame as he was clearly kind-hearted and wise whereas I was reacting to his religion. He told me it’s just nice to come out and meet different people and it’s not so much about religion. Like, that’s just their excuse for calling round but really it’s about human contact and sharing something, love perhaps, just as one might by going into a shop to buy something. This is their way of connecting with others instead of being an elderly and cooped up at home all the time. So, yes, I feel bad now and wish I’d been friendlier and more polite. Indeed, this man possessed that special energy that I see in some people around here, as I’ve mentioned before, particularly in older generations. Stupid me, I might have felt honoured to be graced with such magic but instead I threw it back in his face. Although, I did go quiet when he explained this to me and tried to make up for my brusque tone by showing that I understood and appreciated that he had a good heart and was only trying to share some positive energy with people through this medium.

“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” – Viktor Frankl.

1 March. Perhaps I simply need to deepen my understanding of the purpose of suffering and the general spiritual purpose of using each experience as an opportunity to transform darkness into Light and realise that everything has its place. Clearly, I’m still not there yet because things continue to get me down. The crisis is not over yet after all.

26 August 2015

Sorry that was a bit lazy. I suppose I can summarise the situation. I was getting attacked by dark energies through people each time I did a gig. And a week after the last one last July someone showed me a jujitsu headlock, not roughly but didn't let go. I know subconsciously they allowed something sinister to happen when the pitch nerve in my throat was targeted. And I'm also sure it was karmic. I've had healing so my larynx no longer jumps around when I swallow and the intense pain went too (a swallowing muscle was pulled). Basically, my vocal cords are OK but I've lost the falsetto I use for more emotional magical vocals. So my voice cuts out at a certain pitch and can't sing any of the enhancements I've added to my songs over the past few years. The speech therapist said my voice should come back within 6 to 12 months but I've learned it's more likely to take another couple of years. Hopefully! I'd just got a 4-track together to record the 25-year backlog of songs I've written over the years. So I got very depressed because I'd lost my music for several years and then got it back again up here and couldn't even go to open mics because I stopped playing as it made me too depressed. And as a result I finally lost the energy that was given to me by the ascended masters back in 2009. So yeah I had this youthful energy and Light that centred me in the spiritual zone and had a sense of adventure about everything for a while. I had a soft landing moving to Yorkshire in that respect. But perhaps it was never meant to last. Also, I had a bad trip not long after the injury and that gave me anxiety issues which have been healed but I'm left with a breathing thing to try and overcome. And to top it all off I've got this pressure/tightness in my head which I've had before. A craniosacral therapist got rid of it back then but I can’t afford that so I' just putting up with it. Hopefully it will subside eventually. And my laptop died a few months ago and the s/h replacements have all been shit. So I haven't been able to do much work. Even my phone died and the replacement didn't ring so I had to send it back to fucking china! Suddenly everything is a struggle. And I feel like an old man! I always knew that the only hope for retaining that energy was to share it and be in solidarity with spiritual people and those I was guided to. Gaia used to tell me to connect with you and Ricky and others when I was coming down...but you ignored me. lol. I didn't realise you were going through a difficult time though. Anyway that era's over now. Everything's just more ordinary and as I said shit! We just need to be grateful for what we have I guess. [Message to a friend on Facebook].

“To get closer to Truth and Right, we need a beautiful and soft heart. Every human learns one day or another to become softer. Some accidentally, some because of disease, some suffer from human loss, some other from material loss…We all face these situations, but we can either see the good in it and open our hearts, or unfortunately see an another occasion to lock it forever.” - Shams Tabrizi.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

“First, forgive yourselves for whatever you feel is unworthy of you in thought, word or deed. Having done that, then accept yourselves as you are with unconditional love. When you cease your own internal wars and make peace with yourselves you can then offer forgiveness to others. And because of the personal changes you have made within yourselves by making this intent and holding to it, others will see you differently and will respond differently to you. You can only change yourself, as you all know, but all across the world people are changing themselves, and in doing so opening their hearts to Love.” – Saul (channelled through John Smallman, ‘Look for Love everywhere, It is endemic,’ 29 November 2015, www.johnsmallman.wordpress.com/2015/11/29/look-for-love-everywhere-it-is-endemic).

“Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humour; it is the sign that he wants all the truth.” – Mark Van Doren.

“The moment you start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on your heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love – everything disappears.” - Osho.